Afterwards
by pwhodges
Summary: We follow the three pilots as they leave the waste land at the end of Evangelion 3.33 'Q'. Shinji and Rei are detained at a remote base in the care of Touji, and with the help of Sakura they start to rediscover themselves; Asuka is angry with everyone, and Misato keeps control. But will Shinji have to be the one to save the world in the end? (work in progress: 24 chapters planned)
1. On the journey

Eventually they came to a stockade of some kind.

It seemed to him that Asuka left them and went in, but he had no idea for how long. Time had stopped for him; all moments, past, present, and future, were the same as far as he was concerned. She reappeared, presumably after an interval, with three horses and a meagre supply of rations to enable them to continue their journey.

She didn't explain, and he could not have understood, that they had come to a settlement of survivors who had found ways of scratching a living from the remains. The settlers had helped out the travellers simply to enable them to be somewhere else when either rescue or capture caught up with them, in the hope that the settlement itself would not be noticed by Nerv or Wille - which they presumed would be the end for them.

He was on the back of a horse. Presumably Asuka had put him there. He'd never been on one before. He did nothing, and the horse moved, and was warm; and that was enough. He could see the other pilot on a horse as well. Presumably she had also never ridden horseback before, but she sat there with an air of accepting that people did this, and it worked, and there was nothing more to consider. Had Rei, _his_ Rei, ever sat on a horse? Perhaps there had been an opportunity for her at school; but then, what did he really know of her? Had she also been a clone, like this other pilot? What would that mean? After all, his Rei wasn't _like_ this other one. But what did it mean to be a clone? Were they human? Was _he_ human himself? If he had spent fourteen years inside Unit-01, that was surely not anything a human could do - so what was he now?

They travelled on. He stayed alive, if this was life - he could no longer tell. The other pilot seemed to be more human than he himself. She silently followed Asuka's instructions, and led the horse that he couldn't conceive of controlling. But he still couldn't be sure what she was, really; he couldn't even be sure that Asuka herself was human, after what had happened to her so recently, as it seemed to him - but so many years ago in fact. He recalled that her eye seemed strange, even with the patch, but knew nothing more than that.

Thinking, if we may call it that, of eyes brought his mind round to Kaworu. Kaworu, whose eyes had looked deep into his soul and shown him trust. Kaworu, who had started to fill the void in his heart that the other one, so reminiscient of Rei, had failed to do. Was he starting to recognise some greater similarity between Kaworu and Rei, he wondered, and, the thought struck him, did that mean that perhaps Kaworu was a clone, if Rei had been? His heart quickened for a moment, but then he was overwhelmed again by despair - if there were to be another Kaworu, a clone, would that one be like... no, he couldn't bear that. Better not to think than to have thoughts like that.

They travelled on. It is not recorded whether he stayed on the horse himself, or whether the others had to keep putting him back up. It didn't matter to him.


	2. Rei's thoughts

_I exist to obey orders_.

That had been all she had known: _obey orders_. But she was becoming aware that there were other things. After all, someone gave those orders; she didn't know why, and had no interest in that - but giving orders was different from just obeying them. The red one ordered her to get on a horse, and she obeyed; the red one ordered her to lead the horse bearing Shinji, and she obeyed. It was natural, it was the way of things.

_I exist to obey orders._

She had been ordered to fetch the one called Shinji from where he had been. The pink one had tried to stop her, but she had not allowed that to prevent her from carrying out her order; she presumed the pink one had been ordered to stop her, but that was of no consequence to her. She had fetched Shinji, as she had been ordered to, and he had come without resisting. Shinji had been ordered to stay, to resist being fetched. She had heard the order being given. But if he had resisted, she would still have fetched him, as that was her order.

_I exist to obey orders._

Shinji puzzled her... What was this puzzlement anyway? It was something that she had not experienced before fetching Shinji. This was the source of her puzzlement: he had not resisted - he had not obeyed the order. Although he had been ordered to stay, he had come with her willingly. There were those who gave orders, otherwise there would be no orders; there were those who obeyed orders, otherwise the orders would not be carried out. That was her world, but Shinji didn't fit into it. He had been given an order, but he had not carried it out, he had not obeyed. The pink one had been given an order, and had attempted to carry it out, though it had been necessary to ensure that she didn't succeed; the red one now gave her orders, but this was not so puzzling as receiving and giving orders were both parts of the world she knew.

_I exist to obey_...

But Shinji was different; he had not obeyed. He had been different after they had arrived as well. He said strange things to her; he gave her books; but he didn't give her orders. And yet he seemed puzzled - upset, was that the term? - when she didn't read the books even though she had not been ordered to, and when she didn't say things to him. He called her by her name, Rei Ayanami, but seemed to expect her to be someone else, even told her that she was not Rei Ayanami. But what should she say? She had no orders to speak to him.

_I exist to?_...

During the fight the other pilots had spoken to her the same way that Shinji had done. So she had asked for an explanation, asked what "Rei Ayanami" would have done, but received no answer. She was Rei Ayanami; but like Shinji, the others seemed to be expecting a different person, even referring to "the original", another Rei Ayanami, as he had done. So when the end came, she survived. She had not been ordered to; but she had not been ordered to let herself be destroyed either. She had made a choice. She had acted without an order. This was strange, but it had seemed fitting, and it was why she had survived.

_I exist!_...

She had seen Shinji with the music player. She supposed it gave him pleasure, though this was a remote concept for her. He had dropped it, which she had not expected him to do, because he always carried it. Why had she picked it up? So that he could have it again, the thing that gave him pleasure? At the moment of doing it she had felt a flicker of... familiarity? As if it was something she had done before. But she couldn't have; she remembered what orders she had been given, and that had never been one of them. So, what?...

_I_...


	3. Arrival

_Shinji! you stupid brat! Pull yourself together and hold on to that horse! We're nearly there and you're slowing us up!_

He heard her, but he didn't hear her. It was like a dream, but it was not a dream. It had become apparent to him that he was no longer human, not a part of this world any more.

I saved Rei, but she was not saved;  
I destroyed the angel, but the world was also destroyed;  
I set out to repair what had been done, but it was made worse;  
_I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS._

He had trusted Misato, who had restored to him a kind of family life which his parents had left him without; but she had broken his trust, and lied to him. He had trusted Kaworu, who had patiently shown him that even after all that had happened there was hope; but he had been deceived and they had both paid the cost, and now he was left alone with the burden. He would never trust again; how could he, why would he even want to?

The horse moved on steadily; its warmth and motion were reassuring, or could have been. But he was not comforted by them. He would never be comforted; there was no way in which he could ever find consolation in a world which he - _yes, he_ - had twice destroyed. The dead couldn't console him; and why should the living, whose lives he had made a misery?

He could hear talking. They had reached the point where it was safe for the rescue craft to pick them up. Asuka was speaking to someone about their journey, telling of how she had brought him only so that they knew where he was, how difficult the journey had been with him, how she would give them a detailed update. She told them to release the horses, because the settlers had probably followed secretly in the hope of recovering them.

_Shinji!_

A strange man's voice addressed him. He ignored it. As he knew he was no longer of this world, why should he react to it?

_Shinji!_

The voice was compelling, and somehow stirred him to glance towards it. The face seemed familiar, though changed by the years. He reluctantly allowed his mind to search back through memories of his past life, until he found the answer.

T..T..Touji?

_I won't punch yer face again while y're all screwed up. But when y've come to yourself enough, however long that takes, y'll have just one chance to persuade me not to do it right then like I did before!_

He collapsed on the ground in tears. They could do nothing with him.


	4. Anger

Asuka was furious. All her submerged rage from Shinji's betrayal of her when she'd needed saving had surfaced when she saw him again, after all those years, but still looking the same pathetic child. Punching the security glass had felt cathartic at the time, but resolved nothing. Back then he'd just sat there in his Eva wailing and feeling sorry for himself while the angel started to consume her, and then apparently he'd had the gall to run away rather than face up to his failure - and now on top of it all he had the cheek to say he was glad she was all right. All right!? Damaged goods, more like, and whose fault was that? Then the business with the spears; he wouldn't listen, just like in the old days. What was he doing there in the first place? Was he deluded or just crazy? She wouldn't have been sorry if he'd got himself killed right there. And now here he was, curled up in a ball, doubtless feeling sorry for himself again. She'd always seen him as an idiot, but he was worse - he was simply a deluded self-regarding brat. Yes, in the past, in moments of weakness she had thought of him as a _redeemable_ fool, even slightly endearing; but was he now? She found it increasingly hard to envisage the possibility. But whether or not he was worth saving for his own sake, she'd _had_ to drag him along - she had to accept that leaving him for Nerv to get their hands on would have been worse; though possibly not, from her point of view.

Then there was the other pilot, the Ayanami series puppet who'd invited herself along. Why had she come? She was Nerv's creation, after all, why wouldn't she want to go straight back to Nerv? Wille certainly had no use for her. Not that she was actually being a nuisance, since she never said anything or got in the way; but she was this baleful _presence_, hovering on the edge of being noticed all the time - it was just too creepy. And anyway, she was the _enemy_, and had to be considered and treated as such. Still, in spite of all that, she'd actually proved useful, at least to the extent that she'd removed an irritation from Asuka herself, because she'd been able and apparently content to lead the horse that Shinji had shown himself more likely to fall off than control - the idiot! How many more ways would she stumble across to highlight his incompetence?

And now she was stuck out here in the back of beyond, though she was pleased enough to be in a proper base after that trek through the waste land with not one but two complete liabilities dragging at her heels. The horses had been a godsend, and had marginally improved the company as well. But why couldn't she just get back to the Wunder? OK, Unit-02 had been destroyed, but surely there were still useful things she could do back there, rather than acting as nursemaid to these two apologies for humanity.


	5. An argument

No, Asuka, I won't let yer keep disrespecting him like that. It's no help going 'n ranting at him; no wonder he's still curled up in a ball! That's why I'm barring yer from the detention wing.

Yer got it, I'm pulling rank. Here, in this back-of-beyond base's security block, _I'm_ the boss, get it?

No, yer _don't_ need to talk to him, 'cause they're sending Sakura; it seems they think she has the best chance to pull him out of his funk, 'n I think they're right.

Yer seem to f'get that I knew him before you did. Yeah, I even punched his pretty face when he hurt my little sister. But y'know what? - then he went and saved my sorry skin, just like nothing had happened.

No, _you_ don't get it. I was in there with him. They'd compromised the operation to save me 'n Kensuke, but he knew he still had to win, even when they said to give up. Thing is, he's all about doing what's _right_, yer see, whatever the trouble it brings him. Man, he was _hurting_ during that fight, but he just kept on!

Don't yer go calling him an idiot like you always do! He's weird, right enough, but he's not an idiot. And yeah, I'd trust him with my life.

Sure yer got hurt, and he didn't save yer. But y've seen the recordings, y've seen how he tried to do nothing _just to avoid hurting you_, and he tried to stop the dummy system hurting you too. He wanted to save yer more than anything; he was desperate! Y've had the pain, course yer have, but can't yer see the pain he went through 'cause of that?

He ran away, sure, but he came right back when he was needed, and defeated the strongest angel yet.

I know, everything went crazy after that, but y'know what - I don't buy the official report; looks like a whitewash to me, specially seeing how Nerv broke up not so much later. I wanna hear what _he_ says! No one's even asked _him_ yet, have they. And remember, apparently it seems it was like only a few weeks ago for him, so his memory's still fresh.

Yeah, yeah - it all went down again; I know well enough. That's why y're here. And that's why I wanted to punch his face when I saw him - he hurt my sister _again_ disregarding her heartfelt plea to stay out of the Evas. But like I said, _I wanna hear what he says_ before I do that, 'cause back then I _trusted_ him. Anyways, first we gotta get him human again, and y're not helping; so like I said, stay away and leave Sakura to deal with him, right? _Right?_


	6. Drawing out

(In which Sakura is patient with Shinji - the scraps of conversation reported here take place on different days at varying intervals.)

_Shinji?_

...

_You don't have to answer if you're not ready; but remember, I'm just here to listen, 'kay?_

...

* * *

_Shinji? I want to take the opportunity to say: thank you. I know that the day I was injured, what you did saved us all. I got better afterwards, but that was only even possible because you saved us, so thank you!_

...

_Shinji?_

...

* * *

_Shinji? Can you remember what happened? Are you able to tell me about it yet?_

K-kaworu told me that the ruin of the world was m-m-my fault, so I, ... I ... I was going to m-make everything right again. Kaworu said I c-could. B-but ... then _that_ happened. And Kaworu ... _died_. He was w-wrong; what he t-told me was a lie. How could he lie? We were friends! Everyone lies to me! Has it really been f-fourteen years? You've been l-living in this ruined world f-for fourteen years?

_Yes, Shinji, we have. As you can see here, it's not all like the area you saw at Nerv; but it's bad enough._

But _you_ didn't lie. You told me n-not to get in the Eva, and I did, and you were right, and it would have been better if I hadn't. And now you must be angry with me; and T-touji will punch me again. And I deserve to be punched - though it won't make the world better.

_Shinji, can you tell me: why did you get in the Eva?_

My father _t-told_ me I would have to. I didn't want to, but Kaworu told me that we could change the world back with the Eva, so I went with him, and we were going to pull the spears out which was how we were going to repair the world, and Asuka was trying to stop us, and Kaworu was saying things, but I was getting confused so I did it anyway to make things better, and Kaworu died, and...

...

* * *

_Shinji, can you remember anything from before?_

There was an angel. It was supposed to be a new Eva, but it was an angel, and it had trapped Asuka! I was there to stop it, but I knew that if I attacked with the plug still in Asuka might be killed! I didn't want to do anything that would kill or hurt Asuka. I refused to attack Asuka, but then my father made the Eva do it anyway! And I tried to stop it! I tried to get him to stop! And then the entry plug got crushed and I thought Asuka must have been killed. I couldn't save her! I wanted to save her, but my father made the Eva attack without considering her, and I couldn't stop it! That's why I never wanted to pilot again! The angel was killed, but the Eva had killed Asuka, I thought, though in fact she was alive, but perhaps the angel had also injured her, and I couldn't stop it!

...

_Could_ I have stopped it?

If I had attacked, could I have controlled the Eva and killed the angel without crushing the entry plug?

I could, couldn't I? You said it was okay when you got injured that time, because I killed the angel! I could have saved Asuka, or killed the angel while giving her less injuries! It's my fault what happened! Just like every time, it's my fault! I _let_ my father do it! _Oh Asuka! Asuka! I'M SORRY, ASUKA!_

...

* * *

_Shinji? Can you talk again? Are you ready to tell me about Rei?_

The next angel came, and I was leaving because I never wanted to pilot again, but then I saw the angel eat Unit-00 and Rei, and I saw it disable Unit-02, and the new pilot helped me get away but she made me think about what was happening - and I knew that I had to choose between letting the angel destroy the world or getting back in the Eva to fight it. So I went to fight the angel, and I was able to stop it. But it had eaten Rei, which made me furious, so I reached into the angel somehow to try to find Rei and rescue her. I don't know what I was doing, but I found her; she said she could only survive where she was, but I was able to bring her out, and I was so happy that I'd been able to save her. I was in ecstasy - but then I don't remember anything else, and I woke up surrounded by guards ... and you told me that fourteen years had passed.

Then Ritsuko told me that I had been in Unit-01 all that time, but Rei had not come out with me - but I know I saved her! And then Rei came and rescued me and took me to Nerv, so I knew they'd been lying. But then it seemed that she wasn't like Rei had been before. She didn't read books, she didn't remember what had happened to her, it seemed as if she didn't even know me! But she said she was Rei Ayanami! And after Kaworu had shown me the state of the world, and told me it was my fault - though I have no idea why - Vice Commander Fuyutsuki told me that Rei was still in Unit-01 and that she was a clone - of my mother! - and I suppose that means the other one is a clone too. And now I'm confused and I don't know what to think, or who's who, or what I've done, or who to believe.

I don't even know now who actually knows anything anyway. What has happened to the world? What has happened to me? What has happened to Rei?

...

Can I ask for something?

_What is it Shinji?_

I want to try and understand for myself what's happened to Rei; so I'd like to be able to speak to the other pilot, the one who calls herself Rei Ayanami.


	7. Identity

_REI:_

What is memory?  
Where does my memory come from?

I remember... orders.  
I remember... obeying orders.

Shinji spoke of rescuing me... I do not remember being rescued.  
Shinji brings me books to read... I do not remember reading.  
Shinji behaves as if he knows me... _I do not remember Shinji_.

I am me;  
What does it mean for there to be another me?  
The Wille pilot spoke of another me;  
Shinji spoke of another me;  
What is "me"?

How do I decide, if I am not given an order?  
Do I choose a decision from my memory?  
But I have no memory of decisions;  
And yet, I have chosen.  
I chose not to be destroyed;  
I chose to come here with the others;  
I chose to bring the player Shinji dropped;  
Why did I choose these things?

_SHINJI:_

The Vice Commander told me that Rei is a clone of my mother.  
But she is not my mother.

My mother is gone;  
He told me that she is still there in Eva-01.

I rescued Rei from the angel;  
He told me that she is still there in Eva-01.

I was in Eva-01 for fourteen years.  
I was there with Rei, but I don't remember it.  
Was I there with my mother? I don't remember it.

Is the other pilot, the other Rei, a clone of my mother?  
But she is not my mother.  
Is she a clone of the Rei I know?  
Is she _not_ the Rei I know?

Who is Rei?  
Who is my mother?  
Who am I?

What is it to be someone, anyway?  
What is a clone?

What is Eva-01?  
What am I?


	8. Meeting

_Present: Misato Katsuragi (remotely), Asuka Shikinami Langley, Touji Suzuhara, Sakura Suzuhara._

M: As you know, I hate having to meet remotely like this, so I want to keep the meeting short. In a moment I'll be asking each of you for a report on what's been going on.

A: Fat lot of good asking _me_, as that ass over there has kept me locked out of the detention block!

M: Your turn will come, Asuka! Say it then.

M: As I was saying, I'll be asking for your reports, but before that I'll tell you what the arrangements for the detainees will be for the time being.

M: It has been decided that Shinji Ikari is to be kept at the frontier base until further notice. We feel that there is still a significant risk that Nerv might make an attempt to gain custody of him again; but we are also concerned at the possibility that they might also attempt to recover Unit-01 from its present position in the Wunder, and so it's in our interest to keep their possible targets well apart so as not to make it any easier for them.

M: Quite apart from that, it is felt that Shinji Ikari should in any case be kept as far away from Unit-01 as possible. It is vital that there is no possibility of them coming together, as the results of such an event might be disastrous, and cannot even be predicted with any confidence.

M: We see no reason to treat the Ayanami type specially, but you already have her in custody, and there is no reason to move her - so it's convenient for her also to remain at the frontier base.

M: Touji, do you need any extra facilities as a result of this, or will your present arrangements suffice?

T: The present arrangements are adequate, thank y'. The detention block is otherwise empty, and our security barriers are in good order; in any case, neither of the prisoners has shown any sign that they might try to get away.

A: What would Impact Boy need to do to escape anyway - curl up into a ball again and roll out under your gate?

M: _Asuka_!

T: Y' see the problem I've been having with 'er? Now where was I? Ah yes: they are currently being kept in solitary confinement, fed in their cells, and given separate opportunities for exercise - which neither of them has made use of.

M: Are you worried about their health?

T: No, physically they seem fine; but Sakura can probably give you a better picture.

M: Sakura?

S: Yes; no, well, they both seem to be in good physical health. I was worried about the Ayanami type as I understand their metabolism can become unstable without medication, but in this case no problems have become apparent so far. She's weird, though - she just sits there and says nothing unless spoken to. Doesn't do anything ... oh, except sometimes she stares for a while at the table where she's left that ancient music player she was carrying; it's as if she's puzzled by it.

M: An old music player? ... ah, I see ...

M: Carry on; what can you report about Shinji Ikari.

S: Ikari; yes, er, Shinji. Well, um, he's started talking at last. But he still finds it difficult. It seems that however I prompt him, or whatever I ask him about, he ends up talking about a disaster of some kind, which upsets him, and then he has a bit of a relapse.

A: Story of his sorry little life, eh? Do you think perhaps we should just put him out of his misery?

M: _Asuka_! Will you just _stop_ that!

S: Lieutenant, really, I mean, if you could hear some of the things he says! I truly think you might see him differently,...

A: _(humph)_

S: ...but he's not really in a fit state to talk to anyone else yet - let alone face you, lieutenant!

S: There is one thing, though. He's been talking about Rei; that was the name of the first child, wasn't it, who died in his last battle? It's also the name that the Ayanami types use, of course, but he seems to be confused by the difference. After all, he's not been around to see the Ayanami series before. Anyway, he's asked to be allowed to talk to the Ayanami type - to Rei, as he calls her - and I wonder if we should let him? This request is the first thing that he's managed to do off his own bat since he arrived here, and I get the feeling that it's really important to him and I wonder if it might even help him recover some more mental stability.

A: Wants to plot his next impact, I expect...

M: _Please_, Asuka, just wait your turn.

M: Yes, Sakura; I think that should be allowable. I'll want to run it past Ritsuko as well, so wait for my confirmation - but I think it'll be all right. Touji can provide a secure room with monitoring, I presume.

T: Yeah, can do.

M: Now, _Asuka_, do you actually have anything to report?

A: Me? What would _I_ have to say? I'm not even being allowed to see the prisoners, or hear what they're saying. Why am I stuck out in this God-forsaken spot anyway? I just want to get back to work!

M: I understand; but right now your work is being my representative on the spot in case anything important changes. Sometimes you just have to be patient, and accept the boredom. Please put up with it for a bit longer.

M: Now, I know we're all on edge because of what's happened, but I think it's got to us more than we should let it. Touji, Sakura, I understand why you want to prevent Asuka and Shinji meeting right now; but you've taken it too far, keeping her out of the loop. Please ensure that she is kept fully informed about Shinji's progress; remember, she's my personal representative in this situation, and I want to be able to have her perspective on things from now on.

T, S: _(gulp)_ Yes, ma'am!

M: Anything else? No? Well, thank you all for your reports, and I'll be in touch shortly about that request. Goodbye for now.


	9. Searching

They met. They were seated on opposite sides of a table in an interview room. They were alone, but they were not alone - for naturally they were also overheard and overlooked.

They sat in silence, Rei looking at her hands on the table, and Shinji staring fixedly at her, trying to find a flicker of something, of _anything_, that would tell him that this was indeed _Rei_. He failed to find what he sought.

After a while, his face crumpled, and a tear rolled down his cheek. "Rei?", he said hesitantly, "do you remember me? From before you fetched me from the Wunder, I mean." She looked up at him. "No", she said, and let her eyes fall again.

They sat in silence a little longer. Shinji was struggling with his thoughts: "I mustn't give up," he told himself, "I must keep talking until I find out what's wrong." More tears came, but he wiped them away.

"Who are you?" he said. She looked up again: "I am Rei Ayanami." "Why do you not remember me?" he said, trying, but failing, to keep a slight sob out of his voice. She was silent for a moment, and then some thoughts came together unexpectedly in her mind, and she looked up at him with an expression of slight surprise, saying: "The Wille pilot said there was another Rei Ayanami, my original, one that was nicer than me. Perhaps that Rei Ayanami remembers you."

Shinji looked at her blankly. His resolve was crumbling, as he realised that he might have to admit that what he had been told, that this Rei was a clone, not the same as _Rei_, _his Rei_, that this was true. But if she was a clone, if they were _both_clones - _his Rei_ as well - this meant that they were the same, didn't it? But they were not the same. If they were the same, but also not the same, why was this, how could this be?

Rei looked at Shinji. She had spoken to him of her own volition; she had _chosen_ to speak, to say something she seemed to know, without being ordered. But it appeared that what she had said upset Shinji; did this mean that she should not have said it? But he had seemed upset from the start of their meeting. Had she upset him, or was he simply upset? In any case, she didn't understand being upset - it was outside her limited experience. It would be better for her not to speak without being ordered or questioned, she decided; it would be less confusing, and cause less trouble.

They sat in silence again; Rei looking down at her hands on the table again, and Shinji glancing around the room, no longer able to bear to look at her face.

But in the silence, a second thought came to Rei. She remembered the music player. She had picked it up because of a vague recollection that it was something that gave him pleasure, of a sort (she wasn't very sure about pleasure, any more than about being upset). The player was in her lap, because she had, without deciding to, picked it up when they came and brought her to this room; she didn't know why, perhaps she had thought she might not be taken back to the same room again, and so should not leave it. But it was _his_ player, so now, without a word, she picked it out from her lap and put it on the table between them.

Shinji looked at the player. His jaw dropped slightly, and he looked up at Rei, down at the player, and up at Rei again. He stared at her for a while, but he couldn't make out anything from her expression. "You had it before!" he whispered, "you had this player when I rescued you! And now you've brought it to me again!" There was a long pause, then: "No," she said, "I do not remember that." Shinji stared at her, aghast, and then with an incoherent shout he jumped up and ran to the door, sobbing, and clamouring to be let out.


	10. The neglected child

_I'm sorry, Shinji; perhaps I shouldn't have let..."_

No, no! It's all right! ... It's _ALL RIGHT_! ... I HAD to see her; I had to _know_, you see, to find out finally if she was Rei! But..., but ... she's _not_ Rei. She doesn't remember anything that Rei would know. She didn't know about the music player. She doesn't even know _me_! She's not Rei. I can't call her Rei. I..., I'll ... call her Ayanami. That would be best. Ayanami. Not Rei. Not ... Rei.

_Shinji, we tried to tell you. We told you that Rei had not come back from Unit-01._

Yes, yes..., I know. I didn't believe you, because I _knew_ that I had saved Rei. I _did_ save Rei! And then Ayanami came, and I heard her voice! She called me. She called me by my name: _Shinji_! How could I have known she wasn't Rei? How could she not have _been_ Rei? So I went with her. Of course I did; I thought you were all lying to me, so I went with R..., with Ayanami.

_If there had been time, if you had stayed, you must understand that we would have told you about the Aya..., about Ayanami. Nerv create or activate a new clone when required; she's just the latest - a replacement for one before her who was lost._

I still wouldn't have believed you.

But wait! You say Ayanami was _created_? Created _recently_? I suppose that's what cloning means - but I've never had to think about it. So she was created as she is now? That's why she's so strange, isn't it! She's been created, and ... I expect ... programmed somehow to understand and speak and operate an Eva and obey orders ... and that's it. She doesn't know anything else. She doesn't know anything else because she's never had the chance to learn anything else! That's why she didn't read! She's like a neglected child; she should be learning from those around her; she should _have_people around her!

But Rei wasn't like that. Perhaps because she was the first, perhaps she was created younger, and _did_ have the opportunity to grow up like a child! I should ask ... her. ... No, I can't, can I... But I _know_ that I saved Rei; I just need to find her, or to understand where she is. I wish..., I wish I could have proof. I _know_ I rescued her. I brought her back from inside the angel, so we must have been together in Unit-01. She was in my arms! But then..., the next thing I knew was waking up surrounded by guards, and being told that Rei wasn't there with me. But she _was_! I was holding her - it made me so happy! I don't know why they didn't get her out, or why they couldn't find her, or what had happened to her...

But then, at Nerv, Vice Commander Fuyutsuki told me that she is still in Unit-01! He told me other things too, which I found hard to understand; it all made me crazy. He said my mother was in Unit-01 as well - my mother! - Rei and my mother, both there. But I was there, too - why am I out of Unit-01 and they are still inside? Why is it different for them and me? What are they doing in there? It was then that he told me that Rei and Ayanami were both clones of my mother! But why? Why clone my mother? And why are they there in the Eva when I'm here? I want to rescue them! I want to go back to Unit-01! Perhaps I can get them out; at least let me try.

_No Shinji, that will not be allowed; you cannot be allowed near Unit-01 or any Evangelion. Whatever the reason, we have seen that it is too dangerous. It seems that you have the capability, when you enter an Evangelion, to end the world._

...

End ... the ... world?

Me?

Is that ... what was happening ... after Kaworu ... died?

_Yes, Shinji; the first time it was stopped by Kaworu using the Lance of Cassius; but this time it was only stopped by getting you out of the Evangelion._

Is this..., is this why ... people _hate_ me now? Kaworu said they hated me; he said it was because everyone thinks the ruin he showed me when I was at Nerv was my fault. The Geofront ruined; Tokyo-3 ruined... My fault...

My fault? How was it my fault? What did I do? That wasn't even like this time. All I did then was rescue Rei, and then... Then - nothing; nothing else; I woke up here with guns pointed at me. Why? What did I _do_?


	11. New arrangements

Sakura found Touji having an afternoon snack in the canteen. "Hey, big bro!" she called.

"Hey little sis - what y' doing here? - wanna share this?"

"No thanks", she replied, "I want to talk about Shinji. You know I'd been worried how he'd be after getting so upset about the Ayanami type."

"Yeah, right," said Touji, "he did seem pretty shaken up; perhaps we shouldna let them meet."

Sakura settled in a chair opposite him. "No, actually, it's turned out OK. Sure, he's upset, but he's in control of himself, over that anyway. At least he's finally accepted that she's not the Rei he knew from back then. I mean, he's still pretty chewed up about that, but at least he can talk about it without bringing the latest clone into it, though his mother's starting to figure in his thoughts a lot instead."

"Hmm," grunted Touji through a mouthful of bread, "Doesn't get us any further with the things that matter though, does it."

"Perhaps not; but you know, bro, he came out with something really interesting - he was talking about the Ayanami type - he's decided to call her Ayanami instead of Rei, by the way, so perhaps we should too, just to make it easier - anyway, he was talking about her, being a clone and all, and he pointed out what it is that's funny about them, something I'd never thought of myself."

"Yeah?" said Touji, trying to show a little interest, "so what's this great revelation Shinji's given you?"

"They're young children!"

"Children?, whatcha mean?"

Sakura started to explain: "Well, you see, the clones are just activated in the form that we see, and programmed with what they need to know. But they don't know anything else, not even how to interact with other people - all the things we learn as children are missing: social skills, curiosity, fun..."

"Fat lot of _that_ we have these days!" grumbled Touji.

"Oh, you know what I mean," Sakura carried on, "children have to play to learn and all that sort of thing. Anyway, I get the feeling that he wanted to help her. Not because she's Rei, because he knows now that she isn't, but because he thinks she hasn't had the chance that Rei had to become properly human!" Touji paused, then made as if to get up "Well, there's not a lot we c'n do about that, is there. We c'n hardly take her in as family - I c'n just imagine what Hikari would say if I suggested that!"

"And you'd be wrong, I expect - but that's not what I was thinking, at least while this is still a security matter. Hey, hang on a moment while I explain! No, what I'm wondering is, why do they have to be kept in solitary confinement? Honestly, can you see either of them as a risk while they're in here? If they were allowed to use the prisoners' day room together for some of the time, then Shinji could try showing Ayanami how to socialise, or teach her things, or read with her - oh, I don't know; but it would give him something to do, and help stop him brooding too much!"

Touji gathered up his plates: "Well, mebbe that would be no big deal; but I guess I'd better clear it with Asuka to show we're cooperating. Though the first thing she's gonna ask is when we can start to interrogate him properly - it's bin several weeks now."

Sakura looked thoughtful for a moment, then replied: "Well, I think he might be getting there; but it would have to done gently, I mean just you doing the interrogation, and not Asuka yet - I doubt he could face talking to her."

* * *

"...so you see, Asuka, Sakura suggested that they don't really need to be kept in solitary in any case, and that we sh'd let them share the day room. It's just as secure as the rest of the block - there's no extra danger of escape."

Asuka glowered at him. "Well, I suppose it would make no odds, though I'm not sure that making them comfortable is all that sensible. But more to the point, you know that's not what I want to hear about. When are we going to be able to interrogate him properly, _that's_ what I want to know right now. I want to sort out what's what so I can get back to the centre of things before I atrophy from the boredom! So, _when_?"

Touji took a step back as she pushed her face up to his. "Well, actually, Asuka, that's what I w's coming to next."

"Spit it out!" she snapped.

"Sakura reckons he might be ready, but only, er, if I do it, not you."

"What?" she yelled at him, "Do you think I'd beat him up or something? Give me some credit for professionalism, at least!"

"No, no! that's not it, Asuka." Touji replied. "It's just that we think he'd be too intimidated by you to stay focussed; and you do have rather a record of shouting at him, don't you?"

"And richly deserved, every bit of it! How am I meant to stay calm talking to that brat?"

"Exactly!" said Touji, "so don't. I'll do the talking, but if you promise to keep quiet, I'll let you sit in to observe - but not a word, mind you!"

Asuka stared at him for a moment, then said: "Well, OK, I'll try - but I can't promise."


	12. Men and Angels

**The First Interrogation - Subject: Initiation of 4I**

Asuka was sitting next to Touji, facing Shinji. She had rejected the suggestion that she sit further away during this first interrogation; she wanted to see his face as he spoke. He was sitting waiting, looking anxious, apprehensive even. But looking at him started to bring back the anger she had felt when she had first seen him in the Wunder. Why had she reacted so violently? After fourteen years of suppressing her emotions about his betrayal, the feelings had just exploded again when he was there! And now, there he sat, looking at them with this face that whatever he was feeling always had the appearance of being in danger of dissolving into tears. This was the boy who had changed her life - how could she look at him dispassionately? But as Touji went through the conduct of the examination with him - boring, but dictated by protocol - she made the effort to pull herself together and rein in her emotions.

She turned her thoughts instead to Touji. He could still be irritating; but here was someone she could respect. He'd been the school jock, showing off his athletic prowess whenever the opportunity arose, and liable to run his mouth off without thinking too much about what he was saying. But that had all changed when he was selected as a pilot while she was convalescing; he had become subdued, as if he thought that here, in spite of his braggadocio, was something that he was not cut out to do. And then when the eleventh angel came, he had been sent out in place of her, with Mari. He had done what he should, and fought well; but his Eva was destroyed by the angel before Mari managed to defeat it in turn. Fortunately he was not badly hurt; but afterwards he had seemed more mature. He had accepted defeat without rancour, but had said plainly and with absolute assurance that he would not pilot again. And he had held them to that.

Unlike this miserable creature in front of them. He had seemed incapable of making a decision. From the start, even before she arrived (the records showed), he wouldn't fight, would fight, ran away, came back, and just couldn't make up his mind. Though he had fought in the end on each occasion, and done well, it had been a drain on other people to curb his whingeing, get him into the right frame of mind, and keep him focussed. And then on that fateful day that she was trapped by the ninth angel, he failed them all, he failed _her_! She had never really felt before that he was trustworthy, and what he did that day destroyed any chance he had of changing that. She respected Touji, even though they were so different in spite of their common experience; but her feelings for Shinji were not to be described as mere lack of respect!

After finishing the initial formalities, Touji had moved on to asking Shinji about the recent events. He had just asked why he had got into the Eva, and Asuka forced herself to stop musing and to listen.

_My father said I should pilot with Kaworu when asked. I didn't want to. But then Kaworu showed me what had happened to the world outside Nerv; he told me that everyone thinks it's my fault all that happened, so it should be me who put it right. I don't know why it was my fault, but I _wanted_ to put it right anyway! That's what we were going to do. Then people would have stopped hating me. Kaworu said that if we went to Central Dogma in the Eva we could remove the spears from Lilith's corpse and use them to restore the world. He said this was his plan, not my father's, so I agreed to go with him. It was to put everything right!_

"Kaworu said, Kaworu said..." muttered Asuka. "Hush, Asuka" said Touji, as she realised she had spoken her thoughts aloud. And now she was thinking of Nagisa, that enigmatic figure who had apparently saved the world by stopping Unit-01 while she was in hospital. But then Gendou had taken him into his inner sanctum, and everything had changed. When the twelfth angel had broken through and finally caused Third Impact, it had been Nagisa's Eva that had trapped it in the end. But there had been something fishy about the way that had been handled, what with the Eva operating autonomously, and after a while it became clear to the rest of Nerv that Gendou was pursuing an agenda different from theirs - which had finally led to the split. Everything was wrong about Nagisa, and she had come to the conclusion that he himself must have been an angel in human form. And of course it was just typical of Shinji that he should be fooled by such a monster! But he was still talking:

_... Kaworu and I were piloting, because the other pilot, A...Ayanami, couldn't help Kaworu; he said her soul was wrong or something. Ayanami came with us in Eva Mk 9 to provide backup or something. Lilith was there in Central Dogma, and another Eva, and Kaworu told me she was dead. We could see the spears. But then Asuka and Mari appeared and Asuka attacked us. She was trying to stop us. I kept trying to explain to her that I wanted to repair the world, but she wouldn't listen! Why wouldn't you listen, Asuka? Why?_

Asuka couldn't stay quiet at that: "Because you're such an idiot, and you don't know anything!" Touji shushed her again, and asked Shinji to continue, which he did after a frightened glance at Asuka.

_When Asuka's battery ran out, I was able to get to the spears. Kaworu had stopped helping, and was saying things I didn't understand about how they'd changed, and he seemed to be getting cold feet, so I went ahead and took hold of them anyway. But then really strange things started happening! Lilith exploded! Then there was an angel in the Eva by Lilith ... and Ayanami cut the Eva's head off and it came out! And then I found I couldn't do anything any more, because the Eva's controls had stopped working! Kaworu started saying the weirdest things, like how he had changed from one angel to another - angel? - I couldn't understand what he was going on about. Then the Eva shot up out of Central Dogma into the sky, and Kaworu said that we had started Fourth Impact, and it was his fault, and he was sorry. He said he'd stop it, and made Eva-13 stab itself with the spears - and then the collar blew his head off! I ..._

At that, Asuka pushed Touji to one side and faced Shinji directly. "Shinji," she said, "Nagisa was an angel. The collar we put on you was designed to kill angels, or anyone who made an Eva awaken like yours did. We put it on you because we didn't know what you were or might turn into when you came back from Unit-01. But how come it was on Nagisa and not you?"

_K..Kaworu said he wanted to make me happy. He mended my music player. And then he took the collar off me and put it on himself - h..he said it was made for him!_

Asuka thought for a moment; Nagisa must have been able to handle the collar precisely _because_ he was an angel. Presumably he'd put it on himself so that it wouldn't warn of having been removed; and presumably he'd been able to suppress the warning it should have given of him being an angel, at least until whatever happened to him in Central Dogma - because, in the end, it _had_ warned them, and then it _did_ kill him. She would have to tell Ritsuko about this, though. But Shinji hadn't stopped speaking:

_But Kaworu was my friend! Why are you saying he was an angel? We're supposed to kill angels. I don't understand - you're confusing me!_

"You don't know anything about Nagisa", Asuka said. "Nagisa was never your friend; he just manipulated you, used you for his own purposes, _as an angel._ And you let him - _you let him_!" Shinji stared at her in shock for several moments. Then he slumped forward onto the table between them and dissolved into tears. "Pathetic!" Asuka said, and got up to go, leaving Touji to sort out the blubbering fool. Shinji wouldn't be able to tell them any more about what had happened; and in any case, he would know nothing of the underlying mysteries: whether the expedition had really been Nagisa's plan, or Gendou's; and what had happened that had led to Nagisa's death, which he surely had not intended for himself in spite having taken the collar.


	13. Germination

The failures of his life tumbled through his mind as he reeled from this last blow. But in among them, one stood out; and he knew what he had to do. She was putting her hand to the door when he raised himself just enough to speak:

_Sh... Shikinami!_

She stopped, startled, and turned her head to look at him. He was still bent over the table, his head hanging down; but now he rose, turned to face her, and bowed low.

_Shikinami, I'm sorry!_

"What!" She turned to face him now, quite thrown by how formal he had become.

_Back then. I ... I was wrong! I should have done more! I ... I'm sorry!_

He fell back into his seat, dropped his head to the table again and wrapped his arms tightly round it. She stared at him for a moment. Then she shook her head in puzzlement, and left, walking more slowly than before.


	14. Turmoil (Asuka)

Asuka sat in the canteen with her habitual scowl on her face. She was thinking about Shinji, and his responses during and after the recent interrogation. Presently she raised her fist and banged it down hard on the table.

"Woah, there!" said Touji, leaning over from the next table: "What's got into yer?"

"As if you can't guess," growled Asuka: "It's that idiot - he's got right under my skin, _again_. And it's not like I can pretend that his apology wasn't genuine..."

"Of _course_ it was, _'Shikinami'_!" interrupted Touji.

Asuka bridled at that: "Yeah, yeah, I get it! Clearly it was; and from what Sakura has told us, it seems that he really does understand what he did and why I am so angry with him. But the thing is, what does it change? If I forgive him, does that make me want to trust him any more? Of course not! No amount of apologising will change what he is, that's the trouble..." She paused, and then went on: "You know, the problem with stupid Shinji is that he simply doesn't belong in this world; he's too nice." She sighed: "In a different world, I imagine I would have taken the time to get to know him more; but in this world, how could I?"

She lapsed back into silence, and after a moment Touji turned away again as she lost herself in her thoughts: recollections of arriving in Japan, already a trained pilot, a soldier in effect, and finding herself in the company of a cloned girl and a boy conscripted by his father. _Naturally_ she was going to sneer at him - an untrained daddy's boy... and being treated as equal to her! She'd seen the reports of his previous fights; against the fourth and fifth angels he'd only won by pure luck - and in the second case he'd disobeyed direct orders as well - something no proper trained soldier would do! Touji tried to excuse him because he and Kensuke had got in the way, but that was irrelevant when it came down to it. No, she sure wouldn't want someone like that in _her_ team!

When she'd arrived she hadn't really wanted to have anything to do with the other pilots - they would only have cramped her style; and hadn't she dealt with the seventh angel almost incidentally during her flight in? But she accepted that Misato had needed them to work together for the eighth angel; it was just chance that Shinji was the one who was in the position to get under the angel first, and he _did_ stop it; and he held on until they'd reached him and after, in spite of the damage it was doing him. As a soldier, he was simply doing his job, but thinking of him as a mere amateur, as she preferred to do, she had to admit that it could also be seen as bravery. Indeed, she reflected, the same could be said of how he (and Rei) had apparently stood up to the sixth angel, preparing their fatal shot under retaliatory bombardment.

That much, she reflected, was admirable. Possibly she could even have brought herself to admire him; not that _he_ realised that - or at least he couldn't bring himself to admit it. "And then...", she thought, shutting her eyes for a moment, remembering: "... he let me down."

She turned to Touji at the next table, saying: "Hey you! You defended his failure to fight that time; do you really believe that?"

Touji thought for a moment and then replied: "Yes, I do. Remember, even with the experience he'd gained he was still not a soldier, like you were, and so he shouldn't be judged as one."

"But _you_ weren't the one he should have rescued!" Asuka snapped back: "what would you have thought _then_?"

"He rescued me once before", Touji replied mildly.

She snorted and turned back to her own table, giving it another thump with her fist which Touji wisely ignored, and retreating back into her thoughts: He'd disobeyed orders, and refused to fight! He was not professional! Previously he had only needed to be brave - that time he'd had to make a choice, to fight or not, and he'd made the _wrong_ choice! But it was obvious _why_ he'd made that choice - it was because he was kind! and thoughtful! and caring! and anything else you can think of that made him unsuitable to be fighting in a war! And that's why she'd ended up in a coma. She'd also thought of him as a daddy's boy; but then, it seemed, he'd gone and defied the commander, threatening Nerv itself, _precisely because of what had happened to her_, to the point that they'd had to disable him while he was still in the Eva - and then they'd sacked him.

Touji's companions had left, so he came to join her. "D'yer mind?" he said. "Penny for yer thoughts?"

"Oh, I suppose so", she muttered. "I was just thinking about when I saw Shinji in the Wunder after his reappearance. I was _so_ _angry_; the rage I'd been nursing for fourteen years all boiled right up again, and I just couldn't help myself - did you hear that I broke a safety-glass window trying to punch him? But you know what? He was being nice! It embarrasses me to admit it, but he was genuinely pleased to see me; I now realise that when he was last aware of me he didn't even know if I'd live - and he _cared_."

"Well," said Touji, "I'm glad that you recognise that."

Asuka pulled a face, and continued: "But then, as you know, the stupid brat went off to Nerv with that imitation Ayanami, and everything he's done since has been as bad a decision as that one back then. Oh, there's a reason, _every time_ there's a reason, as he's just told us, usually naively following the suggestion of the nearest person who'll talk to him - but how does his apology for what happened back then help with all the things he's done since? Can't he think for himself _at all_? It's absurd to think that I could trust him again; ... but you know," she said, and her face softened slightly: "in a moment of weakness I might wish that we were in a world where it no longer mattered."

Asuka blushed a little as she realised what she'd just said, and then leant forward close to Touji's face. "Why am I saying this to you?" she said. "I didn't say anything, right? If you even _think_ I did, I'll _murder_ you!"

Touji smiled as he replied: "What was that? Do you want something more to drink?"


	15. Turmoil (Shinji)

He was at peace, to some extent, for the first time since he had reawakened in this changed world.

Of course, he realised that there were many things which he had to work through, to find the truth of, and to understand his part in and even responsibility for. More shocks still to be revealed to him. And all the losses he still had to come to terms with - Rei; Kaworu; Misato; trust... He might never understand them all, he feared, at least that's how it felt at this moment. Was that how everyone felt at some level? But since he had finally understood the enormity of how he had failed Asuka back then, while talking to Sakura, he had also known that he couldn't be at peace until he had apologised to her in a manner that she might not instantly dismiss. Now he had done it. She hadn't scoffed, as she might have done in the past, and he could only wait to see if she had in any way accepted it. But with the sense of release that flowed from that one act, he had been able to sleep well at least for that night.

But what of Kaworu? And what of this strange new world in which there was an angel walking round? Was what Asuka said true? Could he believe it? He was supposed to kill angels because they were a threat to humanity! But Kaworu had been kind - he had been his friend - how could he have known he was an angel? How could he have _been_ an angel? What were the angels? Ritsuko had said their DNA was almost human - so why were they enemies in any case?

And so, should he have trusted Kaworu? Did Kaworu lie to him? He had shown him the outside world, and had talked of extinctions, and how people hated him; but he had only spoken of "the world", not "the whole world" - of "people", not "everyone". And now here he was in a base whose landscape was not like that which he had been shown. Had Kaworu lied to him, or had he himself taken the wrong meaning from Kaworu's words?

Once again, he was lost in confusion; for how could he judge what he was told? How could anyone? This was, he supposed, the meaning of trust - but what was trust, and where did it come from? He trusted people, if they had not given him a reason not to do so; people did not trust him; but now he knew at least one reason why that might be so.

Then it came to him. To trust another was just a matter of faith; the decision to trust was a matter of judgement, which could be right or wrong - and that judgement could only be improved by experience. So he had trusted Kaworu. It seemed now that he was wrong to do so; perhaps he should have looked for more _reasons_ to trust him - but what was done was done, and his heart had already been torn apart by the consequences.

And what of people trusting him? That was their choice; he could do nothing about that. All he could do was to find a way to live and behave that might in time be seen by them as worthy of trust. Right now he didn't know how to do that; but he could try to work it out, and perhaps one day...

As he sat in the day room mulling over these thoughts in his mind, Shinji started to feel very small and insignificant. What difference could someone like him make to anything important? Was it worth the effort to try doing anything at all? But then it occurred to him that even the smallest and most insignificant member of a team could be the one that made the difference between failure and success; and a determination to be able, once again, to be even that smallest part started to take root in his mind.


	16. A distant horizon

Shinji was still sitting in the day room, staring at nothing, lost in his thoughts, when Asuka strode in, planted herself in front of him with her arms akimbo, and spoke. "Well?", she said.

In confusion, Shinji tried to stand up and bow at the same time, making a mess of both: "Sh... Shikinami!" he stammered.

"Idiot!", she said. "You've done that; just call me 'Asuka' like you used to, and I'll continue to call you 'Stupid Shinji' like you deserve."

Shinji fell back into his chair, looking up at her: "B... but, Asuka...", he started saying.

Asuka ploughed on over him: "You've apologised. I accept that you meant it, and I believe that you understand what you did back then; but even so, I'm not sure that I should forgive you for your failure!"

"A... Asuka! P.. please...!", Shinji managed to blurt out, his face falling.

But Asuka wasn't ready to stop: "Shut up, fool! Knowing what you did and being sorry for it is all well and good, but it doesn't erase what happened - you do realise that, don't you? Even you can see some of the damage I suffered, can't you?"

Shinji managed to nod, and tears started to form in his eyes.

"But what I want to know, _Stupid Shinji_", continued Asuka, "is just this: _can I trust you_? Will I ever be able to trust you again?" She stopped, and glared at him, waiting impatiently for his response.

Shinji slumped forward, putting his head in his hands. He seemed on the point of collapsing into tears, and Asuka looked at him with disdain. But then, deep inside himself, Shinji felt the beginnings of an unfamiliar sense of resolve, as the thoughts of the past day insisted on being remembered; and slowly he sat back up straight, wiping his eye - and matching Asuka's gaze he gulped, and then said as firmly as he could manage just one word: "No."

"What?" exclaimed Asuka, clearly taken by surprise, "What do you mean by that?" She pulled up a nearby chair and sat down, still facing him.

"I mean", said Shinji slowly, struggling to keep his voice under control, "that I can't expect anyone to trust me until I trust myself! And I don't yet know if I can do that."

"_Mein Gott_", muttered Asuka to herself, "Does this mean that Stupid Shinji has started learning to _think_?"

"Please let me explain", said Shinji, gaining confidence with every word. "I don't want to be told any more what I may have done wrong, because I don't know how to trust what people tell me. I need to work it out for myself, and I've only just started trying to do that. Call me 'Stupid' if you want; but I'm not going to believe that I'm stupid simply because you tell me so. I'm going to find out what it is I've done, and decide for myself what was wrong with it; only then will I discover how to change the things that it's possible for me to change."

Asuka was struggling to reconcile this new Shinji with the indecisive idiot she had once been familiar with. But it was not in her nature to listen without making a scornful comment. "So how do you intend to make this great discovery, and what's it to do with me?"

"I want to stay here", he replied simply. "I want to be able to ask questions, and read reports, and just think about all the things that I remember I have done until I find enough answers, ones that enable me to understand what I've done, and maybe how I can start to do something worthwhile for myself rather than simply following someone else and so avoiding any responsibility. But I don't yet know if I will be able to find an answer that I can myself trust is right - which is why I said that you won't be able to trust me either.

Unable to find a response to this, Asuka was silent for a moment; then she remembered there was another question she had wanted to ask: "Shinji, did you help me when I was fighting out in space?"

Shinji was completely thrown by this. "Space? When was I ever in space? And what fight are you talking about?" he replied, puzzled. "I mean, I think I once had a childish dream in which you called out because you needed rescuing, like a princess in a fairy tale..." He tailed off, embarrassed. "It was just a silly dream; please don't be angry!""

Asuka stared at him for a moment; then, shaking her head as if to clear it, she stood up again. "Well, you get your wish to stay here, at any rate. You've already been told that you won't be allowed to leave, and why; and that gives you something to think about as well. But it won't be my concern any more, because I'm not staying; I don't suppose I'll see you again."

"What!" said Shinji, startled. "Why?"

"I'm leaving here", replied Asuka, "I'm returning to the Wunder at last. I'm not needed to take part in your next interrogation, as I was in a coma at the time the events happened. I'll be glad to be back where there's something going on; and what's more, I won't have the irritation of dealing with a certain idiotic brat, either. So... I'm saying goodbye."

"I'm sorry", said Shinji, after a pause. "I had hoped I might be able to talk to you some more, so that you could help to set me on the right path."

Asuka snorted, and turned to go.

But Shinji called to her one last time: "Asuka, _a... auf wiedersehen_!"

Hearing that she looked back and replied quietly: "Eh? No, I really don't suppose we'll meet again." She hesitated for a moment, then added: "At least, only if _you_ do something that makes it happen."


	17. Puzzlement

Since he had awakened in this topsy-turvy world he had not kept account of time. How long had it been? Hours in the Wunder, no more than a day or so; days or a couple of weeks at Nerv; a month or two here in this Wille outpost... So little time to take in a world that was so different. Although he was no longer unable to face anything outside his head, his mind was still numb with trying to come to terms with the shocks he had been given. And not only the world had changed - the people were different too.

His father: Cold and distant. Well, he always had been, even when they had gone to his mother's grave together; but now he seemed even more remote.

Misato: She had started to become, even if just a little, something of a substitute for his vanished mother; not a replacement, to be sure, but _something_. But now it was as if that had never been; she was hard and dismissive. In the few minutes he had been with her he had seen no trace of her ability to love, no remnant of her sense of fun.

Ritsuko: Previously merely business-like, she now seemed to have a need to subdue the world around her. She had put an explosive device on him, calling it a symbol of his punishment. If she had given him no cause to like her before, he certainly felt he had cause to hate her now.

Asuka: Even the indomitable Asuka had changed. He had been both relieved and glad that she had survived, but the explosion of her anger had rocked him on his heels. But now he understood that anger, and had accepted it and been saddened by it, and had made an apology from the depths of his heart, which she seemed to have recognised. But still, even in their last meeting, there had been none of the competitive Asuka he had known before - simply someone who was clear about her place in the world, and that his place was _not_ in the same world as her. And yet, as she had left, had her look shown something more? He didn't know.

Touji: But at least he could recognise Touji, once a friend - and even now, it seemed, although his gaoler perhaps not his enemy. Still, he was older now, and had responsibilities, and he couldn't picture the kind of friendship they'd had before returning.

Sakura: He hadn't even known her before, though he had injured her; yet here she was looking after him. She had sent a message of forgiveness before, and had now repeated it to his face. Was she the only person that this world had not changed? How wonderful it would be if even one person had come through whatever had happened unscathed!

Kaworu: Who was Kaworu? _What_ was Kaworu? Asuka had said he was an angel, yet he had seemed so human! Should he not have trusted him? Should he have hated him? All he knew was that it felt right at the time, until it all went wrong at the end. Perhaps he could no longer judge people in this changed world - it was as if he had to learn about being with other people all over again, like a child.

And Rei. _Rei_! He had failed Asuka, and his anger with his father and with himself had been such that his father had thrown him out; but he'd had the opportunity, if not to put things right, at least to redeem himself by saving Rei. He had saved Rei - he thought... But Misato said Rei was no more; Vice-Commander Fuyutsuki told him that she was in Unit-01, _with his mother_. How could this be? But it seemed that he had also been in Unit-01 for fourteen years; if he had come out, why had they not?

Then there was Ayanami, this other Rei that was not _Rei_. She was, it seemed to him, the only innocent person in the new world he had been catapulted into. If she was given the opportunity, what..., who could she become?

He came out of his reverie as he became aware that Ayanami had come into the day room to read.

"Good afternoon, Ayanami", he said, as she made to pass his chair.

"Good afternoon, Shinji", she replied, stopping in front of him, and after a moment's pause she added: "Was that appropriate?"

He looked up at her solemn face. "Yes, it was; you remembered correctly. But you need to know that while I don't mind, as it seems you've known me no other way, other people prefer to be addressed formally until they give you permission to use their familiar name."

"So I should really have been addressing you as Ikari? I will if you tell me to."

"No", he answered, "there's no need to change what you've become used to. Besides, it...", and he paused slightly as he felt a slight catch in his throat, "it reminds me of someone I don't want to forget."

"I remind you of the other Rei Ayanami that you knew before; is that correct?" When he nodded, she went on: "But we are both clones, the former Rei Ayanami and I. Are we not therefore the same?"

Shinji felt the sadness welling up inside him, and he had to look away from her as he pulled himself together. "No, Ayanami", he started to explain, "I suppose you started the same, or pretty much so, but what makes you a particular _person_ is what comes after - what you are taught, and what you learn. Especially what you learn about other people, but also about the rest of the world and how it affects you. And you should not only learn what other people tell you to, but also things you discover for yourself."

"Is this why you have told me to read these books - so that I learn from them? Will that make me like the other Rei Ayanami?"

"Yes ... No," Shinji spluttered as he tried to sort out answers to both of these questions. "_Yes_, you can learn from books; but not only books! From watching people, from looking at the world around you, not because you've been told to by me or anyone else, but because you want to!" She looked at him puzzled; but before she could express her puzzlement he went on: "But _No_, it will not make you become like another person - it will make you more of yourself, a person in your own right."

"But how do I know what I want to learn?" she said, hesitating a little more than usual.

"You don't,... until you do." He answered. "I can't explain it better, because that's what you learn as you find out other things. Wanting to learn is called curiosity, and each time you ask me a question you are showing a little more of it."

She looked at him, her expression indecipherable. Then she sat down, saying: "I shall continue reading this book. Perhaps I shall learn from it."

Shinji watched her for a while. Her concentration was complete, and he envied her that. Although she was puzzled by the world she found herself in, she was not saddened by it, and it made him feel a little better that he seemed to be able to help her understand things.

But _he_ was saddened by the world, and helping her was little enough consolation. He could see no possibility of an end to his sadness, even as he was coming to terms with living with it. He felt that he would never be happy again.


End file.
